I wake up and take a deep breath, an immediate mistake. It smells stuffy in my sarcophagus. Blood still drips down my throat so I rip out the tube and frown. A press of the button above me and a panel open with a dreadful ‘beep’ ‘boop’. Arg! I already told Loth Junior to stop but the little twerp has so much fun making all those technological thingamajigs so unnecessary noisy! A screen lights up, much nicer than what I remember.

I see earth from above. It looks blue and green enough. Gibberish text lines down the right side, talking about ‘OS versions’ and whatnot. What do I care about the version? Give me the facts already.

A large sphere soon appears in its place. It looks like a massive disc with, appropriately, a pirate hat placed delicately upon it. It appears to be quite dusty. The Space Fury must have stayed in orbit a little too long.

“You! Artificial thingie! Report. What indicator woke me up?”

//PROCESSING REQUEST.

“Why, in the name of the Watcher, can you not be made to talk normally? Aaaaargh.”

I press more buttons — eliciting more infuriating boops — but there does not seem to be options in the menu to make the machine less obnoxious.

//Environmental status, normal.

//Geopolitical risk, low.

//Invasion risk, low.

//No anomalies detected.

“OH THAT IS IT!”

I simply teleport out of the sarcophagus and dress with a thought, in armor because I can. The immense hall I am resting in is still in the waking up process but it does not matter. I feel two distinct forms outside of the wards, made blurry by their opaque intensity. Those two clowns woke me up? I am going to eat them.

I teleport out and rant immediately as I stride towards the control panel in the far wall. Many wards and traps around here but they are all keyed to me.

“What did I say last time? What did I bloody say? THE NEXT CAD WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER WITHOUT CAUSE WILL GET MY BLADE UP HIS DISRESPECTFUL FLACCID ARS— Oh, it… it is you?”

Eyes of amber peer amusingly through a slit in the blast door. I can tell who it is because he stands in my domain, yet disbelief still forces me to stop.

“Sinead?”

“Poppet! It has been far too long. Nice trick using the tree. Love what you have done with the sphere! And with magic increasing at such a pace, my friends and I have found a way to visit! We met a local kind enough to wake you up so we could assist with your… little problem.”

Torran steps out of the shadow with a tender smile.

“Torran!” I yelp excitedly.

Then I realize that, while it is not unusual for an immortal to keep a lover in every sphere, having them meet constitutes a terrible faux-pas.

“Well, this is a little awkward.”

“Not to worry, my star, we have already agreed to fight for your hand in a struggle to the death.”

“Could you please reconsider?”

“Hahaha he jests, he jests,” Sinead replies with a slightly manic smile. “We just wanted to save you from centuries of hermit isolation. And I have just the thing! A little visit to the spheres to get some advice from auntie Carnaciel, then off to the Blood Court for some action! The non sexual kind!”

“Well, that does seem nice. What are we waiting for?”

“We were hoping you could get us through the traps,” Torran helpfully added.

“So lazy.”

“Loth Junior created a fire pig one. He had a Bingle install it”

“Nevermind I will just fly us out. HOW DARE YOU RISK MY LIFE LIKE THAT!”